Why Meanness Spreads & How to Stop It

Internet trolling, online bullying, and everyday snarkiness—whether directed at strangers or coworkers—seem increasingly normalized. But why? Psychology reveals that meanness often backfires, leaving us feeling isolated and ashamed. So why do we keep indulging in it?

The Psychology Behind Meanness

According to Richard Ryan, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, being mean is like drinking your own poison. It may offer temporary satisfaction but ultimately leads to:

• Guilt and shame
• Social isolation
• Emotional exhaustion

Yet, people still engage in cruelty for various reasons:

• Competition: To gain an edge over others
• Boredom: As a way to pass time
• Anonymity: Online platforms make it easy to avoid accountability
• Social bonding: Gossip and exclusion can become group behaviors

How Meanness Spreads (And How to Stop It)

The Ripple Effect of Cruelty

Meanness creates a vicious cycle:

1. Someone cuts in line at a store
2. You respond with a rude comment
3. They take out their frustration on a cashier
4. The cycle continues

Kindness and cruelty are both contagious—your actions influence others.

Mindful Strategies to Cultivate Kindness

1. Pause Before Reacting

   • Notice physical cues (clenched fists, racing heart)
   • Take a deep breath before responding

2. Question Your Intentions

   • Ask: Will this bring me closer to others or push them away?
   • Reflect: Is my reaction justified or just impulsive?

3. Practice Empathy

   • Consider: What might this person be going through?
   • Remember: Hurt people hurt people

4. Choose Non-Reactivity

   • Silence can be more powerful than retaliation
   • Neutral responses often defuse tension

The Long-Term Cost of Meanness

Self-Reflection Exercise

Ask yourself:

• Have I ever spread a rumor or excluded someone?
• Did that action make me feel truly happy or connected?
• What kind of world am I contributing to?

The Alternative: A Kinder World

Mindfulness trains us to:

• Recognize triggers without acting on them
• Respond with compassion instead of retaliation
• Break the cycle of negativity

Final Thought: Which World Do You Want?

Every interaction is a choice. By cultivating awareness and kindness, we can shift societal norms—one small act at a time.