Narcissism in Elite Performers: Insights from Wendy Behary

Dr. Michael Gervais hosts the Finding Mastery podcast, exploring how top performers use psychology to achieve extraordinary results. In a revealing episode, he interviews Wendy Behary, an expert in narcissism and cognitive therapy. Their discussion sheds light on why many elite athletes and executives display narcissistic traits—and how to manage relationships with them.

What Is Narcissism? Key Signs and Traits

Narcissism is more than just confidence or ambition. According to Wendy Behary, it involves:

• Self-absorption: Little interest in others' feelings or experiences
• Utility-based relationships: Viewing people as tools for personal gain
• Fragile self-worth: Needing constant validation to feel "enough"
• Lack of empathy: Difficulty understanding others' emotions

How to Spot a Narcissist

Behary identifies these red flags in relationships:

• They rarely ask about your life
• Conversations always circle back to them
• Your opinions are dismissed or criticized
• You feel "invisible" unless useful to their goals

Why Are So Many Elite Performers Narcissistic?

Research suggests narcissistic traits are common among high achievers because:

1. Performance-focused upbringing: Many were rewarded only for achievements, not emotional connection
2. Competitive drive: The need to "win" can overshadow relationship-building
3. Compensation for insecurity: Grandiosity often masks deep self-doubt

"At the core of these larger-than-life people is loneliness and shame," says Behary. "They don't know how to connect authentically."

Can Narcissists Change? Treatment Insights

Change is possible but challenging. Behary's approach requires:

1. Leverage: The narcissist must face meaningful consequences (e.g., losing a relationship)
2. Specialized therapy: Standard techniques often fail with narcissistic clients
3. Empathic confrontation: Balancing understanding with firm boundaries

Schema Therapy for Narcissism

This evidence-based method helps by:

• Identifying childhood roots of narcissistic coping
• Building emotional awareness
• Practicing vulnerability in safe settings

Practical Strategies for Dealing with Narcissists

If you're in a relationship with a narcissist (personal or professional), Behary recommends:

• Set clear boundaries: "I won't tolerate being spoken to that way"
• Use "empathic confrontation": "I know you don't mean to hurt me, but this behavior is damaging"
• Protect your self-worth: Don't internalize their dismissals
• Know when to walk away: Some narcissists won't change

The Narcissist's Inner World

Beneath the bravado, Behary finds:

• Loneliness: Inability to form deep connections
• Shame: Fear of being "unworthy" without achievements
• Exhaustion: The constant effort to maintain their image

"They're like children in adult bodies," Behary observes. "All that grandiosity is just armor."

Key Takeaways

1. Narcissism exists on a spectrum—many high achievers have traits without full disorder
2. Elite environments often reward narcissistic behaviors (until they backfire)
3. Change requires both external pressure and skilled therapeutic support
4. Relationships with narcissists demand strong boundaries and realistic expectations

For more insights, listen to the full Finding Mastery episode with Wendy Behary, author of Disarming the Narcissist. Learn how to navigate these challenging dynamics while protecting your own mental health.