Emotional Agility: How to Handle Negative Feelings

What Is Emotional Agility and Why Does It Matter?

Emotional agility is the ability to navigate life's challenges with awareness, acceptance, and intentional action. Instead of suppressing or being overwhelmed by emotions, it helps us respond adaptively. Harvard psychologist Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, explains how this skill leads to deeper relationships and a more authentic life.

4 Common Ways We Get Stuck in Negative Emotions

When strong emotions like anger or fear take over, we often fall into these traps:

1. Monkey Mind – Overthinking past regrets or future worries.
2. Old Ideas – Repeating outdated beliefs (e.g., "I’m not good enough").
3. Righteousness – Prioritizing being right over understanding others.
4. Blaming Thoughts for Behaviors – Assuming thoughts dictate actions (e.g., avoiding public speaking due to self-doubt).

Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms That Keep Us Stuck

• Bottling Emotions: Ignoring feelings until they leak out in unexpected ways.
• Brooding: Obsessively replaying pain without gaining insight.
• Forced Positivity: Suppressing negativity with unrealistic optimism.

David calls these responses being "hooked"—where emotions control us unconsciously.

How to Develop Emotional Agility: A Step-by-Step Guide

1. Acknowledge and Name Your Emotions

• Research shows labeling feelings (e.g., "I feel frustrated") reduces their intensity.
• Avoid vague terms like "stressed"—dig deeper.

2. Practice Self-Compassion

• Treat yourself kindly instead of self-criticizing.
• Example: When feeling guilty about work travel, remind yourself of your values (e.g., family time).

3. Gain Perspective

• Reframe thoughts: "I’m having the thought that I’m a bad parent."
• Ask: "What would a friend say about this situation?"

4. Learn from Emotions

• Loneliness? Prioritize connections.
• Anxiety? Reassess workload.
• Use feelings as clues to realign with values.

Key Takeaways

• Emotions signal unmet needs or misaligned values.
• Avoid suppressing, ruminating, or forcing positivity.
• Mindful acceptance and self-compassion foster resilience.

By cultivating emotional agility, we honor our feelings without being ruled by them—leading to calmer, more intentional living.

Adapted from Susan David’s Emotional Agility and Greater Good Magazine.